Did You Read That Review?: A Compilation of Amazon's Funniest Reviews Read online

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  eISBN: 9781477897355

  Dear readers,

  Helpful product reviews written by Amazon customers are the heart of Amazon.com, and we treasure the customers who work hard to write them. Occasionally customer creativity goes off the charts in the best possible way. Enjoy this collection of some of the funniest, top-voted reviews written by your fellow Amazon.com customers.

  We’d like to thank all the customers who told us about their favorite funny review discoveries. Many of them are included here.

  Sincerely,

  Product Reviews by Page

  * * *

  Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer

  The Mountain Three Wolf Moon Short Sleeve T

  Wenger 16999 Swiss Army Knife Giant

  Luke Skywalker Ceremonial Jacket

  Zenith Tourbillon Men’s Automatic Watch

  UFO-02 Detector

  Outlook for Wood Toilet Seats in Greater China

  Badonkadonk Land Cruiser/Tank

  Wolf Urine Lure

  The Daddle by Cashel

  A Million Random Digits

  Playmobil Security Check Point

  Willie Gillis: Package from Home

  AMSCAN Face Paint

  Inflatable Toast

  Human Hamster Ball

  Fresh Whole Rabbit

  Looking For—Best of David Hasselhoff

  Spock & Captain Kirk Salt and Pepper Shaker Set

  Green Eyes Cat Face T-Shirt

  Yodeling Pickle

  Bacon Strips Adhesive Bandages

  Sharp Provolone Piccante Cheese (Whole Wheel)

  Steering-Wheel-Attachable Work Surface Tray

  How to Avoid Huge Ships

  American Flag Pants by Best Form

  Avery Economy Binder with 1-Inch Round Ring

  BIC Cristal For Her Ball Pen

  Pin Tie Tack Angel Moroni

  Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 Gallon

  Uranium Ore

  Horse Head Mask

  Microwave Cooking for One

  Canned Unicorn Meat

  Classic Grey Sevruga Caviar

  Knitting with Dog Hair

  Denon AKDL1 Dedicated Link Cable

  3M Performance Plus Nuclear Duct Tape

  Deer Rear with Bottle Opener

  Relaxman Relaxation Capsule

  Zenith Tourbillon Titanium Chronograph Watch

  What Does This Say?

  Maisto Fresh Metal Tailwinds

  Inflatable Unicorn Horn for Cats

  Magical Unicorn Mask

  Elegante Fixed-Frame Screen

  Ghirardelli Chocolate, 10-Pound Package

  Mizuno Women’s Wave Rider 16 Running Shoe

  CatGenie—Self-Washing, Self-Flushing Cat Box

  Diamond 2-m (6.56-ft) Braided HDMI Cable

  Fury Martial Arts Folding Grappling Hook

  Vacuum Cleaner White Noise

  Cat Evacuation Kit

  Ultratelephoto Zoom Lens for Canon

  Montegrappa 18k-Gold Rollerball Pen

  The Secret

  Haribo Sugarless Gummy Bears, 5-Pound Bag

  Natural Water-Based Lubricant—55 Gallons

  Pet Tornado

  Mechanical Bidet Toilet Seat Attachment

  The Story about Ping

  simplehuman Rectangular Step Trash Can

  Pussycat Dolls Workout

  Original Rubber Duck—Royal Duck

  Ultra-Fine Fan Filter with Magnet Cooling

  12” Plush Red Christmas Stocking

  Blackhawk Dynamic Entry UK MOE Kit

  Horn—Stadium

  Microwave for One

  Pigeon Mask

  Squirrel Underpants

  Huge House and Cars Poster Print

  Multicolor Ocean Wave Light Projector

  Honeywell Ademco 944WH-M Magnet

  Lined Cat Muzzle

  Kraft Dehydrated Marshmallows, 40-lb. Case

  Never Worn Rolex Submariner Mens Watch

  Schrodinger’s Cat Executive Decision Maker

  Yeti Abominable Snowman Adult T-Shirt

  Cat DJ Scratching Deck

  Victorinox Swiss Army SwissChamp XAVT

  Scarecrow Motion-Activated Sprinkler

  Drinkwel—The Multivitamin for People Who Drink

  3-Carat Diamond Pacifier

  Hulk Rules

  Richard Simmons—Disco Sweat

  Prancercise

  240 Samsung 85-Inch Smart LED UHDTV

  Snickers “Slice N’ Share,” 16 oz.

  The Facial Hair Handbook

  iPotty with Activity Seat for iPad

  Clubman Pinaud After Shave Lotion

  Omas Limited-Edition Fountain Pen with Diamonds

  Black Side Zipper Canvas Duffle Bags

  Corn Dog Lip Balm

  Undies for Two

  Opti-Flex QC300, 12” × 12”

  Nike Air Foamposite One

  Boyfriend Pillow™

  Crafting with Cat Hair

  Kazaam

  Mustache Pacifier

  Rasta Imposta Taco

  My Little Pony Basic Rainbow Dash

  Squirrel Mask

  Butter Spreader Stick

  Zubaz Zebra Pants

  Strawberry Slicer

  Grow Taller Pills

  Appendix

  Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer

  Check out the real thing: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0047E0EII

  3.7 out of 5 stars

  Name: Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer

  ASIN: B0047E0EII

  Price: $3.48

  Slice an entire banana with one quick motion. Kids love slicing their own bananas. Safer than a knife. Made from dishwasher-safe material.

  Most Helpful Customer Reviews

  49,139 of 49,702 people found the following review helpful

  No more winning for you, Mr. Banana!

  By SW3K, March 3, 2011

  For decades I have been trying to come up with an ideal way to slice a banana. “Use a knife!” they say. Well…my parole officer won’t allow me to be around knives. “Shoot it with a gun!” Background check…HELLO! I had to resort to carefully attempting to slice those bananas with my bare hands. 99.9% of the time, I would get so frustrated that I just ended up squishing the fruit in my hands and throwing it against the wall in anger. Then, after a fit of banana-induced rage, my parole officer introduced me to this kitchen marvel and my life was changed. No longer consumed by seething anger and animosity toward thick-skinned yellow fruit, I was able to concentrate on my love of theatre and am writing a musical play about two lovers from rival gangs that just try to make it in the world. I think I’ll call it South Side Story. Banana Slicer…thanks to you, I see greatness on the horizon.

  3,326 of 3,675 people found the following review helpful

  Such a time saver

  By lloydravn, September 24, 2012

  No more throwing bananas at the ceiling fan for me! This product has saved me the work of peeling the banana slices off the wall after the fan slices them. Thanks, Banana Slicer!

  8,496 of 8,837 p
eople found the following review helpful

  Angle is wrong

  By J. Anderson, August 1, 2012

  I tried the banana slicer and found it unacceptable. As shown in the picture, the slicer is curved from left to right. All of my bananas are bent the other way.

  1,409 of 1,499 people found the following review helpful

  To the Research and Development Department

  By K. Johnsrude, December 19, 2012

  Before I invest 2 bucks in this bit of ingenuity, please tell me: What went wrong with models #1 through #570?

  3,952 of 4,396 people found the following review helpful

  571 Banana Slicer saved my life

  By Angela Hamel, July 31, 2012

  When a burglar came to my house I was tempted to reach for the butcher knife in the kitchen, but instead I grabbed the 571 Banana Slicer. I told the burglar, “I’m gonna slice your nanner,” and he ran in a terrible fright. Thank you 571 Banana Slicer for saving my home and possibly my life.

  * * *

  Customer Questions & Answers

  Does the Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer have additional uses around the house?

  I gave mine a twist, and it’s wonderful for teaching the children about DNA.

  toubabdoc answered on December 8, 2012

  I tried using the slicer as an ornament as suggested, but unfortunately it didn’t stay on the tree long. Kids just HAD to use it!

  Minds blown.

  The Mountain Three Wolf Moon Short Sleeve T

  Check out the real thing: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B002HJ377A

  4.5 out of 5 stars

  Name: The Mountain Three Wolf Moon Short Sleeve T

  ASIN: B002HJ377A

  Price: $5.33–$34.65

  The Mountain company uses only inks and dyes to bring you an incredibly durable and comfortable garment. Hand-dyed shirt featuring a stunning screen print of three wolves howling at a moon on a preshrunk, 100%-cotton T, dyed and printed by The Mountain.

  Most Helpful Customer Reviews

  8,730 of 8,844 people found the following review helpful

  Howl at the Heavens

  By George Takei, April 24, 2013

  This shirt has changed my life! Before, I couldn’t walk through the aisles at Walmart, graze on the buffet at Sizzler, or even take in a round at my local miniature golf course without people pointing and saying, “Hey, you’re that Zulu guy from Star Wars, aren’t you?” Even if I wore sunglasses, I’d still get mistaken for Yoko Ono. But with The Mountain Three Wolf Moon Short Sleeve T, the SHIRT now draws the eye. One young teen even shyly approached me, and instead of asking for a picture or an autograph, simply smiled conspiratorially and whispered, “Team Jacob, right? Me, too. He’s sooooooo dreamy.” Yes he is, young lady. Yes. He. Is.

  9,424 of 9,636 people found the following review helpful

  Great complement for my skin art

  By overlook1977, May 19, 2009

  Unfortunately, I already had this exact picture tattooed on my chest, but this shirt is very useful in colder weather.

  3,121 of 3,346 people found the following review helpful

  Why can’t Amazon have more stars? 5 ain’t enough!

  By T. Guymon “SonOfSpam”, May 6, 2009

  So I’m looking for threads that say, “Hey baby…I’m real boss!” when I stumble upon this epic creation. The wolves spoke to me in a language all their own; it was like German, Mongol, and Bitchin all mixed together. I mean, one wolf howlin at the moon is major…but three??? I ordered next-day air (if only there was same day!), and, of course, a size smaller than usual to ensure the closeness of the wolves to my chest hair. When the package arrived, I tore it open, and I SWEAR angels sang. I think it was “Freebird.” I immediately removed my “No Fat Chicks” shirt and replaced it with this finery. Lemme tell you: AW YEAH. I’ll spare the details of my conquests since I started wearing this shirt; suffice it to say, I’m swimming in a sea of babes the likes of which are usually found on those K-tel infomercials. I’m also more confident at work and expect to be promoted to cashier soon. I owe everything to this shirt (I should say “shirts,” since I now own 23 of them).

  The Three Wolf shirt possesses transformational powers.

  @cdporter00, the People’s Champ, says, “Not even the supermoon hovering over our nation’s capital can stop the power of the Three Wolf Moon!”

  Capturing and harvesting the power.

  One of the wolves that came to life out of my shirt and attacked my aunt when she dared to laugh at the mystical powers of the Three Wolf Moon T-Shirt.

  Howlin’ good Christmas in Texas. We can already tell that 2012 is going to bring some changes in this family. The day after Christmas we had a 6-year-old sprouting serious chest hair, and one of these kids just appeared out of thin air. Thanks, Three Wolf shirt, and thanks, Amazon.

  I could never do carny tricks…until I got this shirt.

  It scared the flames to self-extinguishment.

  THIS WAS OUR CHRISTMAS CARD THIS YEAR!

  Three Wolf Moon USMC edition (Marine Green) Bravo Company 1st Combat Engineer Battalion. (This image was supplied to us by Sergeant Nick Heier, USMC.)

  Sword of Infinite Wisdom not included.

  See how the bears MUST avert their eyes from the awesome shirts!

  Capture the Magic.

  The Three Wolf Moon shirt’s power is obvious. This video is living proof that you will get women and fly. Most importantly, my son was born without bones, and when I put this shirt on him he grew bones. Don’t ask me how it happened, but the magic is there. I wish I could hug the designers of this shirt and thank them for everything they have done for my family.

  Geeks turning into studs by the power of the shirt.

  It does cover my girthy frame while attracting the ladies.

  Wenger 16999 Swiss Army Knife Giant

  Check out the real thing: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B001DZTJRQ

  3.7 out of 5 stars

  Name: Wenger 16999 Swiss Army Knife Giant

  ASIN: B001DZTJRQ

  Price: $1,305.44

  This giant Swiss Army knife from Wenger is designed with an incredible 87 implements that perform 141 functions, making it the only tool you’ll need to get any job done. Whether in your pack or on display, the Giant Knife is sure to be a conversation starter. Packaged in a black plastic box.

  2.5-inch, 60%-serrated locking blade

  Nail file

  Nail cleaner

  Corkscrew

  Adjustable pliers with wire crimper and cutter

  Removable screwdriver bit adapter

  2.5-inch blade for Official World Scout Knife

  Spring-loaded, locking needle-nose pliers with wire cutter

  Removable screwdriver bit holder

  Phillips head screwdriver bit 0

  Phillips head screwdriver bit 1

  Phillips head screwdriver bit 2

  Flathead screwdriver bit, 0.5 mm × 3.5 mm

  Flathead screwdriver bit, 0.6 mm × 4.0 mm

  Flathead screwdriver bit, 1.0 mm × 6.5 mm

  Magnetized, recessed bit holder

  Double-cut wood saw with ruler

  Chain rivet setter

  Removable 5-mm Allen wrench

  Screwdriver for slotted and Phillips head screws

  Removable tool for adjusting spokes

  10-mm hexagonal key for nuts

  Removable 4-mm, curved Allen wrench with Phillips head screwdriver

  Patented locking screwdriver

  Universal wrench

  2.4-inch springless scissors with serrated, self-sharpening design

  1.65-inch clip-point utility blade

  Phillips head screwdriver

  2.5-inch clip-point blade

  Club face cleaner

  2.4-inch round-tip blade

  Cap lifter

  Can opener

  Shoe spike wrench

  Divot repair tool

  4-mm Allen wrench

  2.5-inch
blade

  Fine metal file with precision screwdriver

  Cupped cigar cutter with double-honed edges

  12/20-gauge choke tube tool

  Watch-case-back opening tool

  Snap shackle

  Mineral crystal magnifier

  Compass

  Straight edge / ruler (in./cm)

  Telescopic pointer

  Fish scaler

  Hook disgorger

  Line guide

  Shortix laboratory key

  Micro tool holder

  Micro tool adapter

  Micro scraper, straight

  Micro scraper, curved

  Laser pointer with 300-foot range

  Metal file

  Metal saw

  Flashlight

  1.5-mm Phillips head screwdriver

  1.2-mm screwdriver

  .8-mm screwdriver

  Fine fork for watch spring bars

  Reamer

  1.2-mm pin punch

  .8-mm pin punch

  Round needle file

  Removable tool holder with expandable receptacle

  Removable tool holder

  Special self-centering screwdriver for gunsights

  Flat Phillips head screwdriver

  Chisel-point reamer

  Small ruler

  Extension tool

  Spring-loaded, locking, flat-nose needle-nose pliers

  Removable screwdriver bit holder

  Tire tread gauge

  Fiber-optic tool holder

  Cap lifter

  Wire stripper

  Reamer

  Awl

  Toothpick

  Tweezers

  Key ring

  Most Helpful Customer Reviews

  1,799 of 1,917 people found the following review helpful

  Found this…

  By MechYeti, January 22, 2011

  …stuck into a stone, while on vacation. I’m impressed with it generally. Unfortunately, it turns out that removing it made me the new king of Switzerland, which is a lot of responsibility.