Did You Read That Review?: A Compilation of Amazon's Funniest Reviews Read online

  19 of 24 people found the following review helpful

  This is the coolest thing ever

  By MrLiar, October 21, 2011

  I’ve always wanted to own a pocketknife that was too large to fit in my pocket, and here it is! When extended, it looks like Satan’s combine harvester! Love it!

  745 of 803 people found the following review helpful

  Bad Toothpick Placement

  By MozartFX, October 27, 2010

  It’s a great knife, it’s just that the toothpick is in the center of the knife, so when you use it, it looks like you’re playing some kinda ****ed-up harmonica.

  1,913 of 2,137 people found the following review helpful

  Epic, all-situation survivor’s kit

  By A. Gift For You “MidlightWest”, December 24, 2009

  First of all, let me tell you a little about myself and how I came to need such mystical tools of survival. In the beginning, I was born from the ashes of Lincoln and Roosevelt, then raised by Hemingway, a troop of firefighters, and werewolves. I was taught to fight evil of all forms, from politics to the undead. I can tell you from experience, there has never been a tool half as useful as the Wenger Swiss Army Knife Giant. Let me give you a brief example from yesterday: I woke up after my amazing night’s rest in the Wenger King-Size Murphy Bed (with satin sheets). Once the women were dressed and out the door, I made coffee from the Wenger’s cappuccino machine. Then I headed out the door, Wenger in hand. I came across two old women selling crocheted crosses. I pulled my Wenger out of my pants to get to my wallet. The ladies saw this and died in ecstasy just at the size of my Wenger. Now armed with two crochet crosses, I went to the cave. This cave was the home of a 58-mouthed snake that looked more like a chainsaw blade than a snake. After traveling 5 miles on the Wenger Hoverboard, I reached the treasure surrounded by the serrated beast. I unfolded my 3-Spartan army and Easy-Bake Oven from the Wenger and went into battle. After 15 minutes, the 3 Spartans had dismantled the toothy monster’s 58 mouths just as my cupcakes were ready. The four of us enjoyed my marbled chocolate-vanilla cupcakes (with sprinkles) while counting the treasure and mocking the mouthless snake that lay before us. After counting the treasure, I pulled out the Wenger Millennium Falcon and obliterated the Spartans. Seriously, I obliterated Spartans with the Wenger. I think that alone is enough reason to get one! Anyway, Spartans suck at sharing. I flew out of the cave in the Wenger Millennium Falcon and crossed the River of Desolation just east of the Mountain of Despair. I was hungry, so I pulled out the Wenger Giant Spider Legion, and they shot down 4 flying dragons with their dark-matter tusk lasers. It was pretty cool. Lunch was all right. I remembered the crocheted crosses the old ladies left me. Their memory should be honored. So, I went to my local vampire castle. If you know anything about Twilight, then you know that everything you once knew about vampires is completely wrong. Inside the castle, there were dozens of tragically fake, “glistening” vampires pining over this wimpy goth chick. The tension and virginity was so thick and everlasting that the only thing I could do was slay them all. I pulled out the Wenger Entertainment System and played the first Twilight movie. Mission…accomplished. I put the two crocheted crosses over the vampire king’s eyes. “You’re welcome, old broads.” Now that I was exceedingly bored, I pulled out the Wenger Hot Air Balloon and went to the moon. Moon men are pretty cool dudes. I got to the moon just in time to catch the double sunset. I pulled out New York City from the Wenger and sat in the crown of the Statue of Liberty, watching the moon’s double sunset with some chicks I found and a couple moon men drinking burnt martinis. Again, moon men are pretty cool dudes. We partied all night inside this sweet party tent in the Wenger. Chicks love party tents. You wouldn’t think a full wet bar would be something you’d ever use in a pocketknife, but it really comes in handy. And it makes the Wenger Swiss Army Knife Giant worth it, even if you don’t drink. That’s all I can remember from yesterday. The pictures afterward were hilarious. I almost lost it when the penguins arrived. I must have gotten the Extreme Wenger because I didn’t know the Arctic Circle was one of the tools. But even if you don’t get a Wenger with the Arctic Circle…still worth getting. I highly recommend it.

  108 of 125 people found the following review helpful

  Be careful

  By Go Team Dulick!, November 2, 2011

  I had it in my hip pocket, then I fell down. When I got up, I was dead. Other than that, it’s OK.

  * * *

  Customer Questions & Answers

  Can it core a apple?

  It cannot core an Apple due to the proprietary nature of the screws. Although it can quad core a Dell.

  Robin answered on October 7, 2013

  Of course it can, but the apple-corer blade is accessible only if you use it immediately after the bagpipe bladder stitch removal cumberbutton and before using the panda baby spoon.

  Thomas D. Walker answered on October 7, 2013

  There is a used one selling. Was it owned by MacGyver?

  Most probably someone that is looking for a box of paper clips, a rubber band, and a toothpick.

  Javier Ortega Ramirez answered on August 19, 2013

  Luke Skywalker Ceremonial Jacket

  Check out the real thing: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00421A4EK

  4.5 out of 5 stars

  Name: Officially Licensed Star Wars Luke Skywalker Ceremonial Jacket with Medal of Yavin

  ASIN: B00421A4EK

  Price: $133.31

  This is the highly-renowned ceremonial jacket that Luke Skywalker wears in Episode IV after destroying the Death Star and saving the rebel base from a horrific fate. Constructed of nylon with a polyester lining, this coat has an athletic cut and features no zipper. The ceremonial medal that Luke is awarded is included with this jacket. All detail to this jacket and medal is true to Episode IV and is an identical replica of that found in Lucasfilm Archives. This fully licensed jacket comes with a nice clothing bag for protection and a full-color certificate of authenticity.

  Most Helpful Customer Reviews

  39 of 45 people found the following review helpful

  I deserve it

  By rcf1105, April 21, 2011

  Whenever I display my encyclopedic knowledge of Star Wars to my friends, they respond with, “Want a medal?” Well, you know what? Since I bought this item, I already have one: The Medal of Yavin. You can see it blowing in the wind as I throw on my jacket and drive away on my moped “Speeder Bike.”

  344 of 382 people found the following review helpful

  Chick Repellent

  By C. Mangan, April 21, 2011

  I was tired of getting hit on by beautiful women every time I went out in public, and then I bought this jacket. Problem solved. I must add that this jacket’s repellent powers are infinitely multiplied when coupled with the included Medal of Yavin. Without it, the untrained female eye may confuse this ceremonial jacket with a Justin Timberlake–style biker coat. So if you’re the type of guy who prefers to sit in the corner of the bar sipping a Mike’s Hard Lemonade while playing touch-screen Erotic Photo Hunt without any interruptions, you need to get this jacket. The 7-year-olds in Shanghai who made this must-own article of clothing didn’t grind out this bad boy for nothing.

  399 of 445 people found the following review helpful

  Be careful who you give it to

  By Huerfano, April 21, 2011

  I bought this jacket for a coworker in hopes that giving him a gift would inspire him to reveal his true feelings for me. He did look very nice in it, but maybe that’s what caused the problem. He looked TOO nice. And kind of boring. Shortly after I gave it to him, I realized that he felt more like a little brother to me and that I actually have a thing for another guy at work who’s kind of a scruffy smart aleck (a bit of a loser, really, and SO not my usual type at all) who hangs around with some totally disreputable characters (some of them look like real hairballs) and may not be strictly honest. But he has this sexy bad boy thing goin’ on, IYKWIM, an
d I’m finding it hard to resist. Heh, I haven’t resisted AT ALL! It’s a really nice jacket, even though it kills all your romantic feelings for the nice, responsible, and even kind-of-attractive guy you give it to, so be careful with it.

  I wear it at the office on casual Friday.

  53 of 61 people found the following review helpful

  Great jacket, but be warned

  By Frank Limbaugh, April 21, 2011

  Though you may appear the stylish ingenue for a short period of time, attiring yourself in this jacket for any prolonged period of time will ultimately bring you a rash of bad luck rivaled only by the accursed Hawaiian Tiki statue. Wearing this jacket increases your chances of wrecking your Trans Am, having your hand cut off by your father, or passionately kissing your sister. Avoid at all costs.

  Zenith Tourbillon Men’s Automatic Watch

  Check out the real thing: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B008B9JWK6

  3.7 out of 5 stars

  Name: Zenith Defy Xtreme Tourbillon Men’s Automatic Watch 96-0528-4035-21-M528

  ASIN: B008B9JWK6

  Price: $112,750.00

  Zenith Defy Xtreme Tourbillon Men’s Watch, Black Titanium Case, 18k-Rose-Gold and Black-Titanium Bracelet, Swiss Mechanical Automatic (Self-Winding), 96-0528-4035-21-M528

  Most Helpful Customer Reviews

  288 of 337 people found the following review helpful

  Magnificent piece of technology

  By leraat1974, October 6, 2012

  After spending some time looking for the perfect watch, I came across the Zenith Xtreme Tourbillon, and I was more than impressed. This watch is one of the most technologically advanced watches in the world. After visiting the plant, located under the Eyjafjallajökull volcano in Iceland, I was sold! I had to buy one! (I actually own 2 of them, but more on that later…) Just the fact that it takes almost 3 years to build and there are more than 378 people involved in the process from engineers to plumbers, carpenters, mathematicians, physicists, pharmacists, etc., is mind blowing. Let me start with the case itself, which is made out of a mix of unobtanium and T. Rex wisdom tooth, it’s light but yet strong enough to withstand 12,000 atmospheres of pressure. Then comes the heart of the watch, “the engine,” powered by a mini nuclear reactor, running on a (2/16th × 1/32nd of an inch) bar of Plutonium 238 that has a life of 88 years. This brings me to the cooling system. (Any of you who owns a mini-nuclear-reactor watch knows that cooling the reactor can be a pain in the butt, since you have to constantly inject water into the watch to lower the temperature and if you somehow forget, not only do you end up with a nuclear meltdown, it also voids the warranty!!) And at this point is when the most impressive use of technology I have seen comes to play; the people of Zenith came around this by using your own body water. Yes!! This baby cools itself down by absorbing water from the body through the bracelet, which contains thousands of microbonding cells that attach to the pores on contact and pull water to the surface of the skin to be absorbed by the wristband!! Genius!! The only drawback with this approach is that if you are not careful you might became dehydrated. The people at Zenith recommend that you drink at least 10 gallons of water a day to help with the process. The other part of the cooling system is the big turbine located on the upper left side of the watch, which is used for steam release like any other nuclear reactor. (Just a quick note on that: it might freak some people out, especially if you are on a subway in New York City and the steam starts coming out.) The other 2 small turbines are for propulsion only, and they are powerful!! More than 400 hp of pure thrust! Remember this is a professional scuba diving watch and having the turbines to push you through water at 150 knots helps a lot. In my case, after a quick dive at the Marianas Trench I realized that if you don’t keep the watch in a center position with relation to your body you end up swimming in circles!! That’s why I bought 2…one for each hand so I can move in a straight line. And last but not least, remember to read the instructions. There’s a code included with your documents, like an activation code, but in this case you have to call the Department of Defense to let them know that you own a Tourbillon watch, since it leaks small traces of radiation. The people at Zenith were very helpful bailing me out since I forgot that step and found myself on a plane on my way to Guantanamo. An amazing machine!! Go ahead buy it. Stop staring at it. You won’t regret it!!

  33 of 37 people found the following review helpful

  Sliding Technology

  By Gwag, September 11, 2013

  I usually don’t drop $112,750.00 on a watch, but I figured, what the hell? I sold my home, all my personal belongings, my wives, and the dog; but it was all worth it. Because now I have the Zenith Defy Xtreme Tourbillon Men’s Automatic Watch, which allows me to slide to alternate dimensions and warp reality. On my journeys through the dimensions I encountered Thanos, who attempted to trade the Infinity Gauntlet for this watch, but I refused. Thanos then attempted to steal the watch from my possession, and the watch transformed me into Green Power Ranger. After an ensuement of flips and high-flying gymnastic battles, I ultimately defeated him, stripped Thanos of the infinity gauntlet, and saved our universe.

  70 of 87 people found the following review helpful

  Lifechanging Watch

  By RatedAwesome, July 15, 2013

  I was kinda iffy about buying this watch. I’ve been trying to buy my parents a home for the last few months, so it was a tough call. After lots of thinking, I figured having a $112k watch (on sale from $205k, what a steal!) would be a better investment. After all, real estate is pretty scary. At first my parents were really mad. The second they saw this 8th wonder of the world, they understood. My parents said they were cool with living in the shelter or on the street just as long as they could keep a photo of the watch. I told them sure, for 10 bucks. (Paid for the shipping!) I’m also trying to make a career change and figured this watch would equal an MBA or law degree…I mean, look at it! So I had an interview with a custom tailored suit. I made sure my left arm length was 1 inch shorter than the right. That’s right. No way I can let some cloth cover up the love of my life! Right after I gave my handshake to the hiring manager, he offered me a job. In fact, he offered me HIS job. He said he’d love to be my assistant. He took off his nameplate on the door and Sharpied mine…class act! I was so pumped after that interview. I had my left arm hanging outside my car window blasting Mozart in my 1992 black and blue Geo Prism. I was stopped at a red light when I saw this amazing woman reading on a park bench. I waved my left arm and the massive amount of bling caught her eye (blinded her). She came up to my passenger door and asked if I could take her out for dinner. I was taken back at first, but this girl looked like Jessica Biel, Halle Berry, and Scarlett Johansson combined. I instantly said yes and took her to the first place someone wearing this watch would want to go…Chuck E. Cheese’s. After all, I just got a sick job. I could spend some cash, right!? The second children saw the Zenith Defy Xtreme Tourbillon Men’s Automatic Watch, they were in awe. After a few minutes, I was surrounded like I was Chuck E.! The girl couldn’t believe how good I am with children. Scored some major points with that. We even had some amazing pizza on the house! The manager saw my watch and figured I was from Chuck E. Cheese HQ and gave us free pizza, soda, AND 20 bucks in tokens! BALLIN!!! We played skeeball, and I kept getting the dead center hole. Oh yeah, this watch improves your aim with all throwing motions. I had over 5,000 tickets and got her a sick backpack. Told her, “That’s right, for all the books you like reading!” She gave me the biggest kiss ever! When we were leaving, a kid got stuck in the ball pit. Everyone was going crazy. I pushed the panic button on my watch, and the watch knows what’s up. I was able to clear the ball pit with a sonic wave of air pushing all the balls to the other side of the pit. The EMTs were able to get the child, and he was safe. Again, scored some major points with the lady! When we were walking back to my car, she asked if I had a pool at my place. I said, “Of course I do. I got a sweet kiddie pool on my apartment patio.” I’
ll let you figure out what happened from there, but here’s a hint…I was wearing my watch the entire time!!! The Zenith Defy Xtreme Tourbillon Men’s Automatic Watch improves EVERYTHING. Thank you, Zenith. I have a perfect girl and an amazing job. This watch has completely changed my life. :)

  31 of 48 people found the following review helpful

  UNBEATABLE DURABILITY

  By Nick Halden, March 6, 2013

  After spending a whopping 5 minutes looking for what I wanted as my anniversary present I came upon this watch (thank you Amazon god!). I overnighted it, and the next day this freaking armored convoy came barreling down my street while my wife was at the store. Some burly looking Swiss guy jumped out, shoved my package into my hands, and jumped back onto his chocolate-plated car yelling some stuff about being the new bad guy in the next Die Hard movie. So I put on this evil wristwatch and go about my business, aka standing around with my mouth open staring at my wrist. Shortly thereafter my wife gets back and sees me in all my glory. I swear, not even a charging rhino could take me down. When she found out how much I spent on it, she lawyered up right then. 2 months later this wise a** judge tries to give her my watch! So I proposed a contest. You know, “may the best man win” kinda thing. She would grab one side, and I would grab the other; we would proceed to pull as hard as we could and whoever ended up with the watch could have it. At first she was totally against it, but after talking it over with her lawyer it was decided that I could ONLY use my nondominant hand. So there we were, her on one side, me on the other; the judge gave us the countdown: “3!…2!…1!…GO!” It was a hell of a struggle (you guys really should have seen it). Long story short, right when she yanked with all her might, I let that thing go; it flew back in a blur and cracked her right in the head! Have you ever seen a Wildebeest go down? I imagine this was very similar. After the bailiff pronounced her as deceased, the judge looked over at me and asked if he could borrow it. Best hundred thousand I’ve ever spent!